THE SHARED PAGES — FILL THESE OUT TOGETHER
Shared Page 2
The Communication Page
One person’s reasonable check-in is the other person’s surveillance. Nobody finds that out gently by accident.
This is the worksheet Chapter 14 sends you to, and it is the one families are most tempted to skip, because talking about talking feels silly. Do it anyway. The gap between what a parent considers normal contact and what a student considers normal contact is usually enormous, and if you don’t measure it before the semester starts you’ll discover it in the middle of an argument in October.
Same order as the money page and the order is the point. Each of you fills out your ideal version alone, before you hear the other one’s. Do this before the semester, not on move-in day. It’s also great if you revisit it after a few weeks in the semester.
One thing that surprises almost everyone who does this honestly — the gap is usually smaller than both people feared, and the arguments were about assumptions rather than about the actual numbers.
Step 1 — Student, Alone (10 Minutes)
Write what you’d actually like, not what you think will avoid a fight. Being honest here is what prevents the fight.
How often I’d like to talk on the phone or video, and roughly when
How I feel about texting — how often, and whether I want to reply right away
How long is too long for me to go without answering before you’d be right to worry
What I want to be asked about
What I would rather not be asked about every single time
How I feel about location sharing
What I want you to do if I don’t answer for a while
Step 2 — Parent(s), Alone (10 Minutes, No Peeking)
Write your honest version, including the frequency you’d like rather than the one you think you’re supposed to say.
How often I’d like to talk on the phone or video, and roughly when
How often I expect to text, and whether I expect a reply
How long without hearing anything before I start to worry
What I most want to know about your life
What I’m most worried about, said plainly
How I feel about location sharing, and what I would use it for
What I’d like to be able to do if I can’t reach you
Step 3 — The Discussion (20 Minutes, Together)
Trade pages. Same four rules as the money page, and they matter just as much here.
- Read each section aloud in turns, student first, then parent, then move on.
- No interrupting, including during the part about what not to ask about.
- Ask what’s behind that? before countering. Behind almost every frequency request is a specific fear or a specific memory. Find it before you argue about numbers.
- Thirty minutes maximum, then the revisit box.
One thing worth naming out loud during this step, because it prevents a lot of hurt later. A student calling less by November is not a verdict on the family. It’s what an independent, adult life beginning sounds like, and Chapter 14 says so in more detail.
How far apart our two ideal frequencies actually were
What was behind the parent’s number, once we asked
What was behind the student’s number, once we asked
REVISIT BOX — what we could not settle today, and when we’ll come back to it
Step 4 — The Agreement (Fill Out Together)
One copy, written together. Be specific enough that neither of you has to interpret it at eleven at night.
Our standing call — day, time, and who calls whom
Texting — how often, and what we’ve agreed about replies
How long an unanswered phone can go before it means anything
Our signal for this is actually urgent, please answer now
What the parent will do before assuming something is wrong
What we agreed about location sharing
Topics that are off the table for the weekly call
Three openers the parent will use instead of audit questions
What happens when someone needs to cancel the call (whoever cancels reschedules)
When we’ll revisit this page
Student signature and date
Parent signature and date